Just the other day I started reading a book by Marianne Williamson called “A Woman’s Worth”. Honestly, my whole life, I never really thought about what a woman was worth. What I was I worth. Mostly, I have figured I really wasn’t worth very much. As a money-earner, the bank account never seems to stay filled. As a mother, well, lets just say I love my kids, but was never the perfect soccer mom type. And in relationships with men? Well, I must say that my lack of self-worth has always been extra-apparent in this area. I strive to be the supporter, rarely the supported. I am the understanding one, never expecting understanding myself. I accept rules that don’t suit me. I accept being the last in line…the fall-back plan in case all of his other plans fall through…men can count on me. I put myself in their shoes, trying to feel their feelings, while leaving my own shoes footless.
On page 7 of Marianne’s book, she writes, “like many battered wives, we look endlessly for love in places with no capacity to love us back. We must consciously choose to do this no longer.”
Thank you so much Marianne. This woman, with this one statement, has given women everywhere permission, at last, to stop seeking love outside of ourselves, outside of God. No person can ever love us like God does. Not even one. Not even close.
It’s a hard slap in the face though, on a cold morning, to get up alone to build a fire. To have no one to fix coffee for. No one to pack a lunch for. No one to talk about the days plans with. As women, we long to nurture, and we long to be nurtured in return.
I think about these five acres I’ve been blessed with. 5 beautiful acres just waiting for a hand to love them. To turn back the jungle of thorns and heaps of garbage left by others who once lived here who were not as appreciative of the land. During times when I have turned inward, and cried myself to sleep at night, alone, I’ve seen the jungle creep faster and further forward, threatening to suffocate this run down house and everything in it. At other times, when I’ve felt more like the queen of my jungle, I watch those choking vines and weeds recede and things become more clear. I can see what needs to be done. I can see the huge piles of twisted metal, glass, and trash, beckoning a loving hand to clear it off the land.
Yesterday I pulled a 10 foot piece of rusted barbed wire out my old gelding, Lyrik’s tail. I don’t know where he picked it up, or how it became entangled in his tail. The bad areas have been roped off, but the two geldings are allowed to roam around those areas…being trusted more around such things than the younger mares who always seem to look for trouble. Lyrik wasn’t upset about the wire. He came up near the house and stood calmly while I removed it. The barbs had been rusted dull and he didn’t have a single scratch on himself from it. I vowed then and there to get out there this winter and get the rest of property cleaned up. Right now there are fences in the way that need to be moved so I can get the truck back there to put the garbage in. There are old truck canopy’s, broken toilets, axles, tires, rusted metal, and more.
It’s all pretty overwhelming most days. And most days I usually forget that I am queen of my own life. That I have nothing to apologize for. That I am worth something, even love from another, right here, right now, just the way I am, and just the way things are.
But when I do remember, as Marianne has reminded me once again, the clouds lift, the birds start chirping again, and I take my spot back on my throne of experience, of having lived life and now know a few things…my throne of self worth, and self respect. And feel joyous in the thought that I don’t have to be someone’s last choice, someone’s last minute “hey what are you doing?”(at 11pm)..
“Why, I am laying in my comfy bed, reading Marianne Williamson’s “A Woman’s Worth”…and I know that I am worth a whole lot more than a last minute, 11pm alcohol-fueled visit that I am not prepared for and was not expecting. I am worth more. I am worth a call in the morning asking how I am doing. I am worth an invitation to dinner. I am worth a ride down a country road. I am worth a movie night. I am worth a whole night. I am worth a lifetime.
And as for this 5 acres and me? We will stay our ground. We will lean on each other for support. We will love each other in important ways. I will give to her, and she will give back to me. And we will declare our life, a life worth living.