Knocking On The Big Brown Wall

I am a morning writer. Actually, the morning is about the only time I do anything productive. In the winter months, after outside chores are finished, I usually crawl under the covers between 8 and 9pm. The darkness comes too early. And I find it somewhat depressing. So I go to bed and wait for the dawn.

I haven’t been writing much lately. My eyes are getting tired, and my brain feels like it’s full of sawdust. This happened to me a couple of years ago in college when I was trying to learn Spanish. A big brown-colored wall grew in my mind…kind of like the wall that Trump wants to throw up on the Mexican border…to keep out immigrants…that sort of wall. It’s at least 20 feet tall and made of cement and wood. When positive, happy thoughts knock against it, it has a dull sound. They get swallowed up, and are not allowed back out. They become lost, and unable to be thought anymore. The negative thoughts bounce against it, making pinging noises. They don’t go over the wall, but bounce back and forth to be thought over and over again.

I don’t know for sure how I am going to get rid of this 20 foot wall in my head. It got a hole in it yesterday though when I talked to a friend about my life and the way I was feeling. The hole unexpectedly became filled with flowers, and some sunshine could get through. I heard birds chirping on the other side and some of the positive thoughts started getting through. That’s when I realized how much I missed writing. Talking to him, I was able to let out a big sigh and that wall crumbled just a little.

A few weeks ago my daughter moved out. She has found the love of her life and they are getting married! I am soooo happy for her. But I do miss her. And it’s made the absence of a life partner in my own life ever more apparent. And then those old feelings of being unlovable come up, and I wonder how most  of my friends found someone to love them, but I never could?  A few weeks ago I went to a beautiful wedding. What a happy occasion! But weddings too, drive that “you’re unacceptable” nail in even further into that 20 foot wall in my brain, and highlight those things I lack in my own life….first world problems, I know, I know. I do have food to eat, clothes to wear, no one is beating me or abusing me, and it’s warm in at least one room in my house…and I actually have a house, lots of animals, and my health. I know I should be happy with all of that. And I am. But I know it’s normal to want more. To expand in life, and that things always change.

I don’t really know if I suffer from depression. Different counselors have told me that I seem very upbeat and not at all like their normal depressed clients…so I contend that I am not depressed, just realizing a great sadness every once in awhile. I tried some alcohol for about a week. I had a few beers every night. At first that made me feel a little better, but then, I found myself crying for hours every night, and so gave that up. I think I’ll have to find something better.

But, you know what today is? It’s Sunday, November 12th, 2017, and it’s sunny outside. Cold as hell but sunny. I can appreciate the sunshine, and the cold killed the summer garden…the tomatoes and the flowers. So now I can clean them all up and plan for spring planting.

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My collard greens and strawberries are still alive in the garden. I hope they last all winter.

 

I’ve got a few eggs in the incubator. I know, I know, what am I thinking, hatching eggs in November? I have no earthly idea. I don’t know what I am going to do with the chicks once they hatch. I can only keep them inside the house for a couple of days…after that I am not sure where they are going to go. Maybe they’ll stay inside until spring.

My writing hour is up at 9am, and it’s 9:40 now, so for today, I will say adios, and I hope all the 3 people who read my blog will have a very happy week!

Namaste

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