I have been in hibernation. Deep hibernation. And frankly, I’d like to stay hibernating. I like my dark little worm-hole of a tiny slice of this earth of ours. And yet, I’ve been choking on the dirt so I feel like it’s time to poke my head up and look around a little. Just a little.
I often feel I am just on the verge of getting my life back together when yet something else happens that throws me out of whack and so I shimmy back down my earth-hole to wait out the tide of negativity. I binge-listen to Esther Hicks and read the bible while I am in hibernation, which gives me the strength to try life again. I know I am not alone in this. We all have our seasons. And some of our seasons are more pleasant than others.
Esther Hick, (Abraham) always talks about emotions, and how we feel, as being the ultimate indicators of whether we are on the right path or not. As a woman, it’s often been my practice to disengage from what I am truly thinking about a thing, and instead, replay what I’ve heard others say about something that may have happened or been happening to me or in my life. As a society, this is where we jump on the bandwagon of crowd-thought… it’s where we get the idea that prejudice, subjugation, ridicule, hate, etc. is okay since everyone else is doing it.
But I do not want to talk about prejudice, subjugation, ridicule, or hate today, enough attention is being given to those things already. Today I want to talk about Love. Doing what I love, based on the emotions I feel while doing those things I believe I love.
I grew up on a mini-farm near the coast of Oregon, in a family of two parents and three younger brothers who all loved to make things. My mother was always crafting something in the house, and my father was always outside, building things, making tools, and fixing things. My brothers and I followed suit, and I always felt great when sewing, crafting, or interacting with the animals we had. When I left home, I got a normal job, went to school, got married, got divorced (a couple of times) had three beautiful children, got pets, lost pets, got hired, got fired, and developed a low self esteem and feeling of worthlessness. I think many women and men can relate to feeling beat down by life. During that time I didn’t really know how I felt inside. I know what society was saying about everything I was going through. But I didn’t really know what I, myself felt, other than an overwhelming sense of sadness much of the time.
Being self employed has given me the opportunity to hide from the world, at least part of the time. But in doing so, I’ve been forced to meet my emotions head-on, and deal with them instead of burying them. Being down in the worm hole, with a set of earphones on, listening to Abraham, meditating, studying the bible, I’ve finally been able to meet myself. And surprisingly, I am learning to like myself. Today, I am not mortified by the fact that I am 50 and single. That my home is old and that the money is scarce. I don’t feel guilty being in my beat-up farm house making batches of soap…for people who really seem to like them by the way. I don’t feel guilty working my shop site, my blog, making food for my dogs, or spending hours outside with the animals, just being with them. I am enough just the way I am today. I am not a less worthwhile person because I don’t have a regular 9 to 5 job or make a certain amount of money.
My soap business has been failing miserably, and not because I don’t have buyers for my soaps, nope, just the opposite….people are begging to buy my soap, but I’ve been too depressed to even make any. Too worried that my house looks like an unorganized soap shop and not like the houses I see in magazines. Often I feel paralyzed by the sheer amount of work that needs to be done both in the business and on the farm, and it’s just me doing it all….while most of my friends have partners or are married, I seem to be unlovable for some reason that I am unaware of, which adds to my feelings of failure.
Slowly though, after another recent “loss”, and spending much-needed time down in my worm-hole, I’ve been able to do small things again, like organize areas of my business, make products, one by one, and it’s starting to add up. My inventory is growing. My customers are happier, and I am feeling better and better about this thing we call life.
Are you a fan of Esther Hicks? Do you read the bible for inspiration? How do you deal with loneliness and self-loathing? I encourage you to share. We can all help lift each other up. God be with you.